Pure Joy – Despite…

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I have had a really lovely Good Friday. The weather was absolutely gorgeous for our annual Good Friday picnic in which I get together with my beautiful cousin, her partner and my very good friends and our kids. One year we went to the Botanical Gardens which is in the heart of Brisbane but the last 2 years it has been organised by my friend Kassy and very close to where I live as driving is a problem for me. I drive short distances around home mainly but of course with the different tablets I take for pain some days I am unable to drive. The poor car sits in the garage more than gets driven…and when it comes around to pay the registration I curse it for the days that it sits there.

The weather was a beautiful warm (but not “stinking hot”) we had a great picnic table under a big tree with a great playground for my friends Kassy and Jame’s 2 young gorgeous sons. A lovely picnic lunch and a chance to catch up with the friends I don’t see so often these days. It’s crazy when you now have all the time in the world that you can’t carry out all the things you said you would do when you no longer worked..I was only saying today I imagined that I would raise Guide Dog Puppies or Foster dogs until they had a home. I also said I would learn floristry – perhaps this may be something that I can achieve, not so much on the puppies though.

After a year and a half of living this disabled life, I have really struggled with feeling joy. Real joy. I practice “Mindfulness” every day as much as I can and a big part of Mindfulness is being exactly in the present and using all of your senses to be present fully. I always stop and enjoy my dog’s moment when we play ball for 10 minutes or so. I try to pull myself back to the moment, watch the pure joy that Domino is feeling because for him, life does not get better than “ball”(as you may have seen in my earlier post on Happiness). During “ball” I really try and stay connected with Dom and enjoy his joy and I do. I also feel Happiness when I am spending time with Jake and he is doing something crazy to make me laugh. I am not a morose mess of depression. I laugh and act as I did before to some degree and I think to strangers they would never know the difference. In the days I spend alone I am still busy with exercising, stretches, meditation, making cards, spending 4 hours to prepare a meal and I do have moments of joy. This new life means that I have to try extra hard to “blow up” the joy I might have – it’s hard work and elusive.

The breakthrough came last week in which I had showered myself and it was painful, and I put my tens machine and was driving to a friends scapbooking store to have a look around. I did have some money to spend (something that I have not had for a year and a half) and on my way there I was feeling Happiness. I wasn’t trying hard – it was a great feeling. It did last a few hours, I spent some money which in turn I will make cards out of which will also give me joy. Pure joy that for a small amount of time I had achieved what I had been so tightly trying to grasp. I was living “Along Side” of my pain. I was feeling pure joy – despite.

So that’s what it is and I have now met people through a Chronic Pain Support Group I have just started going to that appear to have built a new life – despite.

Maybe I have found the role models I have been desperately looking for 🙂

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Aside

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. mybeautfulthings
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 23:56:02

    I’m so glad you are now following Through the healing lens. I am sure you will find it inspiring as I do. 🙂

    Reply

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