It has been 2 years today.  2 years, i just wonder if I will ever get my head together.  2 years ago when my whole life changed.  I never saw it coming.  You wake up to what you think is just another day but somehow all the goal posts have changed in just 1 stupid insignificant accident.

Too long again I say it between posts.  Too long between visits to the shrinky dink. I am just drowning in my illness at present and not well enough for long enough.  Feeling so completely overwhelmed with illness more bad days than good and I am just not coming close to achieving anything on a to do list.  Being a sole parent had its tough times but a sick sole parent is just so very tough.  I can’t get on top of anything and top that with so much guilt of now being a terrible parent when it was really the only thing I was so very proud of myself before.   A house that is continously messy because I can’t get to things if they are in a cupboard.  A great list of people I need to ring that I just never do.  Ring the superannuation company to find out what happens to my forever shrinking retirement fund now that I don’t contribute, calls to organise assisted transport for myself.  Internet Notworking properly. Trying to organize transport for Jacob and his life.  Calls I want to make to help my mums life. I STILL have not put in my complaint about my specialist doctor.    I just can’t and don’t do them.  Now I have pranged my car. The first time I have ever had an accident and when the hell am I going to get quotes for it? I need someone to sort my shit – you know like when your partner takes over for you.  I don’t physically have the strength to organize this stuff.  I have had to talk to my mum and release her from her driving duties, it is just not safe for all parties any longer. I know it is going to be tough, the biggest thing I need is a driver and she can’t be that for me.  I don’t rightly know what my alternatives are during the week mostly. Its only been 3 days and I have canceled 2 appointments because I have had medication and can’t drive.  I know I need to see my psychologist, I need to talk it out, I can’t get in for 3weeks. Of course that just really defeats the purpose, having to pre-empt your down days so I can get an appointment.

Drowning and overwhelmed. When does it get easier? I know I only write when things are bugging me. I never seem to write when I am doing okay.  I am not always a sad sack. It does take a lot for me to also get to this point and write it down as well.  11 minutes into my 2 year anniversary and I feel robbed and cheated just like I did when I found out I wasn’t going to get better.  I may not be a practicing Christian but I have always lived by Christian values.  Be good and respectful to others, volunteer your time, trying not to judge others and the decisions they make, do your best to help others.  I don’t believe in karma, I believe you be good to people for no reason other than it the right thing to do. I just wonder if I will ever be able to fathom why this happened to me.  I know ‘pity party table for one’ but tonight I have to dine alone.  Tomorrow I will get my shit together and truly remember those worse off than me. 


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. prayingforoneday
    Sep 05, 2013 @ 06:23:58

    You said it at the end…
    I often say the same. Others worse.
    I been in agony 15 years, I never liked the pain, I learnt to live with it. I learnt to rearrange my life around the pain. That is all we can do. I don’t fight it any more and seldom blog it. I do things that take the pain from my body as much as I can, reading, puzzles with the girls, watch a movie in bed, ANYTHING to get my mind away from where it is…

    You are strong, I know this because you are sharing Sharon x
    You will get there…

    Shaun x


    • shazzagirl70
      Sep 05, 2013 @ 18:52:08

      Thanks for your words Shaun. I do have more up days than down. I used to look at my diary that I wrote during my 20″s and it was always doom and gloom. I realise they were the times I needed to process information, my life really wasn’t that bad. Today I am just needing to sound out some thoughts with no Pscyh appointment for another 2 weeks. I promise my next post will be about Fairy Floss and Rainbows! LOL Thanks for your support, I hope today is a relatively good one for you to my friend. Hugs Shazz


      • prayingforoneday
        Sep 06, 2013 @ 18:43:19

        lol @ Rainbows 🙂 x
        Sorry for the late reply, this came into unread for some reason..

        I am grand, hope your good.. x

  2. paua&pearl
    Sep 05, 2013 @ 07:19:56

    Dear Sharon

    You keep going because you must – you have a child to live for. You are such a talented fantastic soul -it is so hard each day to keep going,,, I am just coming up to my 3 year anniversary … so keep up your wonderful spirit….. I give you the most wonderful hug to keep your spirit alive and kicking and go for it girl – reach for the skies – you are invincible


    • shazzagirl70
      Sep 05, 2013 @ 18:49:23

      Such beautiful words thank you. Your handle name paua&pearl is throwing me, I know that we know eachother, I am just not sure who you are 🙂 You will have to help me out here. Yes I will never give up, my son is far too important to me and he has had his own yucky stuff to have had to deal with in his 15 years. And thank you for your hug it is gratefully accepted today. Tomorrow is another day and a gift. xx


  3. Stacey
    Sep 05, 2013 @ 18:37:23

    Sometimes it’s the circle of Life that promotes the realisation that all is not so great…and you’re right, there are individuals who are much worse off than ourselves – but that shouldn’t take away from you, ‘your feelings of today’.

    You are parenting your son, your mother once parented you, and has done up until her recent and slow demise, you have been also parenting your mum – each of you a child that has needed another…so you mustn’t feel guilty for not being a ‘great’ parent, or a ‘perfect parent’ – there is no such thing, and I say this today because just last night and this afternoon I was telling myself, “I’m sure there is so much more I could have done, or could do surely”…but realistically – there isn’t a perfect parent Sharon, we just do the best we can based on what we instinctively know. And what will always remain without question is that our children love us for who we are and can be to them and for them, not who we ‘want to be’; or whom society promotes us to be.

    Yes two years ago you had an unfortunate incident that rendered your physical capabilities less than desirable, and it has stripped you of an immense amount of independence and scope of what you knew as ‘life and living’. And yes you do experience a level of discomfort that is often beyond comprehension to most of your friends and family…
    But to this day, you still wake with another breath, you still get up and try to do and be the best you can, you still involve yourself when you can in any physical activity that will allow you to escape the torment and torture of your pain. You have found new hobbies, new friends and acquaintances. And despite feeling like crap 6 days out of 7 most weeks, you are still moving forward and doing all you are capable of.

    A belief in God, and all He holds dear is something to hold on to and to cherish. He doesn’t believe in Karma and He will never test you with more than you can cope with. He isn’t out to punish any one person. Nor does He wish to see you suffer.
    I often pray and talk to God as though He were a close friend I’m chatting to on the phone; I thank him for a great many things, I ask Him questions, and ponder the reasons why…
    There will be many times in our lives when the reasoning behind a questionable incident occurs, and it may not be until some time later that we think…’well now I know why that happened’, maybe we’ll never know…

    The not so nice specialist at the clinic…perhaps she treats all her patients the same way, so try not to take it personally. Should you report her? Sure if you can be bothered to, but if that simply lead to further pressures for you, is it really something you want to tackle now, today?
    Consider all of wonderful people you have met at the clinic…they surely balance the one that caused you upset.
    We have an expectation of those with medical degrees and professional backgrounds but at the end of the day, they too are simply people with their own issues no doubt.
    That doesn’t make it right, but it makes it easier to digest.

    Your car accident, just another little hiccup, but it’s not about you personally. If you consider that you are one person in a million that had a little fender bender on that day, with no physical harm done to anyone, then it may make it easier for you not to blame yourself and your condition. These things happen, and do happen, to anyone who spends time on our kaotic roads.

    Making calls to friends that you feel you haven’t been in closer contact with…They too have the means to communicate with you in some way; and friendship is and will always be a two-way street, so don’t carry the burden that it is all up to you.
    Keep in mind that Life is busy for everyone; the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months…And don’t forget, just because you don’t have the means to get out and about as much as others, it doesn’t mean that your life isn’t just as busy, if not more than most – you do have a life too.

    I like the idea of you having an ‘Organising Life Angel’. I’m sure there would be a web-site that would be able to assist. So many businesses outsource the common and simplest of tasks on a daily basis, so why not have someone come in and help – I’ve recently read articles about such people…
    And at the end of the day, I am sure that those closest to you will always be there to help you when you need it.

    Don’t lose your spirit and determination to get beyond today.
    Keeping admiring each rainbow that shines through a shower, continue to enjoy the gorgeous scent of spring, as night falls and when a new day breaks, remember you are blessed with so very much…



    • shazzagirl70
      Sep 05, 2013 @ 18:46:25

      Thank you my lovely friend, you always have such beautiful words for me that I appreciate very much. *sniff* I know all that you say is very true, the car accident could have been much worse and thankfully isn’t. Today it is just a struggle but tomorrow I know I will be able to count my many blessings the list is much simpler these days but no less worthwhile. Love you lots my friend xx


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